It recently dawned on me that I have a fear of LARGE dogs. For the record, I did say large dogs. Hypocrite may be your initial thought; as YES I used to be a dog owner, but come on we all know with your own it’s different. There is just something about dogs. Cats, fish, rabbits, guinea pigs, sea monkeys I can cope with, but with the canines I just feel this wave of uneasiness take control when they approach. Like the hang over’s (as per the previous blog) the phobia is getting worse. So much so that if a dog were to be coming toward me I would cross the road and its highly likely I would walk in the opposite direction to where I should be headed. Take for example when I go running, if I see a dog striding toward me, with or without its owner in toe, I actually start to panic and strategically try to plan out how I would react in the situation given it attack me. Without fail I’m probably sounding slightly dramatic and neurotic by this stage, but I think it’s the fear that draws the dog toward me. I’m a magnet, I attract them . . . It is as though they have some sixth sense and just for kicks decide to bark and then navigate their nose in my crutch. You could be really lucky and even get a little dry hump before their ‘overly’ concerned’ owner comes gushing over and says “ohhh he likes you.” Ironic that if humans were to carry on with this tirade, we would probably end up on some sort of sexual assault charge.
You might be thinking where is this dog-hating-loon going with all of this; rest assure a point will be made. Just last week I was cleaning out the favourites folder on my computer and boy and behold what should I come across, a website for taming overly excited dogs. How does one find themselves on a website dealing with such a subject matter you might be asking. The answers lies in a house that I used to house sit, and with this house came a dog. Not just any dog . . . If there were a mental asylum for dogs, it would be locked away in solitary confinement. I’ve never come across anything with so much energy in my life. It had the sixth sense and used to pace up and down the front fence until I’d get enough courage to enter the property and then it was on for young an old. The moment that latched open it when B-A-L-I-S-T-I-C!!! Everyday I would emerge defeated, covered head to toe in soil because it used to jump all over me like a mad man until I managed to throw enough biscuits in its bowl before making a mad dash out of there. Initially I figured it was just getting used to a new face and would ease off, but no it got worse. So much so that I was driven to the Internet to look for helpful hints on how to tame it. I tried everything from shaking gravel in an empty water bottle, tapping sticks, standing perfectly still in the one position for 5 minutes, chasing it with a wheelie bin that doubled as a shield, food as bribes, talking to it at the fence for ten minutes to calm it down and even succumbed to purchasing a cheap water gun. I kid you not none of the above actually worked, if anything they probably edged it on more. Probably a good thing I deleted the website.
Anyway, that’s me for today. To be fair all I’m really asking is to be left alone as I’m not interested in your saliva, your nose up my backside or your sexually motivated advances.
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